Friday, February 23, 2007

You Broke Her

I usually don't do Grey's Anatomy commentaries, but this really got to me. I should have blogged it last night when it was fresh in my head. But then I decided not to share, then I decided to share.

I usually don't share this. But sometimes you boil over, from guilt, from shame.

You told her she was absolutely ordinary that she was suppose to be extraordinary, You broke her.

I totally get Meredith and why she didn't want to come back. Pretending it's okay when it's not. Being tired of trudging, fighting, ready to give up and being okay with that. It was an accident, but really it wasn't. She was fighting and then she stopped. That's when you think what's the point, and you give up. It seems so much easier to give up and just let go. She was happy on that bed with her dog Doc and no more live people to hurt her, but she didn't get the part about repeating how you died over and over at the most inconvenient times, at first. That maybe, just maybe that is all you get. You don't get peace from giving up. It took me three weeks when I was in a coma to come back, I didn't want to come back, but I did. There was a great possibility of brain damage, I was told that I tried to rip my tubes out and had to be restrained and sedated. And then somehow, somewhere I woke up, three weeks later. And while I was in a coma, the person who broke me died in my head , when he walked through my hospital room door after I was awake, I screamed , rather made as much noise as I could after being on a breathing tube and ventilator. But he was dead to me from that moment on. The devil incarnate. I guess all that matters is that I came back to those who truly love me. The most selfish act I could have done would have been to die. All the people who were so very unselfish to fight for me to come back, to will me to come back To never lose hope. All the while I was stuck in my own head, not responding to real when you are asleep and you ignore your alarm clock and learn to sleep through it. Don't ignore it, do not give up.


Frannie Farmer said...

wow. you are truly one of the most incredible people I have ever met (you know what I mean) ... so glad that you held on ...

Anonymous said...

Wow incredible!! So glad you chose to come back!! (((( hugz ))))


Swishy said...

That is such an amazing post. So proud of you.

I totally understand Meredith too. Sometimes it's just so hard to keep kicking and fighting, you just want it to end. Life is hard sometimes.