Coasting

Tomorrow is a big day for me, I've been awaiting the day for about two weeks now. I go to see a new specialist (actually a Specialized Center and a team of Dr's). My regular specialist that I see once a month or so has already spoke to them, actually before I even had the appointment set. Honey has taken the day off, Mom has declined to go. Her feelings are whatever choices that are to be made should be made by my husband and myself once we get the information and the treatment options. Wait, what? Mom your bailing? I've only been married year! You can't bail on motherly advice until I've been married like 50 years or something like that! Apparently she has decided it's my choice. And this is going to make it easier how? I think part of it is the fact that her and Honey have totally opposite opinions, me I just don't know. Seriously. So the past two weeks have been pins and needles for me. I'm scared, I'm excited, I'm freaking the fuck out. At least I've managed to stay out of the hospital this month, no ER trips. Thank God. The first time I wasn't really hooked to too much 24/7, just a few hours out of the day which meant I could wander the ward and escape my hellish roommate. The second time I was Iv'ed and heart monitored 24/7. For five days, but I had a private room and morphine so it could have been worse.

People always say you shouldn't live in the past or project too much into the future, just live each day as it comes. OK, that works when things are cool. But sometimes it seems like it's next to impossible. Sometimes you hear that you shouldn't pray for yourself, but I have been. Just for peace and my nerves to settle down. Other times I think I'm just making it all up and it really is nothing. Nothing at all wrong with me, I've been patched and medicated. I follow my Dr's advice, so it can't be getting worse. Everybody is just making a big deal out of nothing. We already know how I feel about being babysat by my husband, so I have been pulling myself out of bed when I really don't feel like it. I even welcome doing chores, they are mindless and keep me busy. OK, so now I know I'm losing it. I hate chores. Chores suck. I can't wait till we get the house finished enough to have someone come in and clean. Right now it's pretty much useless to do that with the way things are being moved around and partly finished. See how quickly I changed the subject? It's like I'm scared to blog about me being sick. Let alone mention what it is specifically, though maybe tomorrow when we know more. I just don't want to jinx anything. Silly huh?

I'm going to hit publish before I change my mind..