NO NEW TOYS FOR ME!

The toy nazi is fucking with me, I spent hours online comparing cameras and researching prices and decided which ones I want, I checked availability in stores and added up gift cards and gift cash. I had enough in Target cards to get my camera, an almost identical model to the one I smashed on the plane. I checked availability online and off I went with a brief stop at Wal-mart just to double check though I don't (thank goodness) have any cards for Hell-mart. They had the same camera for $50.00 more. They also had the Flip Ultra which Target didn't have a few days ago and the price was just as low as I found on the internet. I stored that bit of info and when to Target to get my camera. After waiting for what seemed like forever a salesman came to help, but he couldn't find one. He checked the inventory and the website was wrong. I'll let Target slide this time, it is after all Christmas. But I am home and empty handed. I'm still not sure about getting the Flip. I'm not sure the internet is ready for us or maybe I'm not ready to be viewed. I write more than I talk, I'm thinking I might be pretty boring or basically just making an ass out of myself.

Whatever I want my camera!

Microscopic Sperm Counter

This may be just the gift for teenage boys!

Text from the site:

A microscope the size of a credit card? Absolutely!These disposable compact microscopes allow you to magnify small amounts of material instantly, and view them through a light simply by holding it up to your eyes. Choose between 500 or 1000 times magnification!

Microscope Card suggested uses:

•Viewing sperm, making sperm counts

•Viewing/Checking blood counts

•Checking hair for dryness

• Examining microorganisms

________________________________________________________________________

Where else can you find a gadget that let's you see if your partner is shooting blanks, and if either one of you have dry brittle hair? Lets hope you don't need it to find your partners penis!

BUY NOW $89.00

Chistmas Is So Over!

Aren't you glad Christmas is over? There are people like him in almost every family.

Helpful Hint

DO NOT STEP OVER A SLEEPING DOBERMAN. HE WILL STAND UP AS YOU HAVE ONE FOOT OVER HIM AND ONE FOOT BEHIND. IT'S RIGHT UP THERE WITH DRESS SHOES WITH NO GRIPTION ON AN ICY SIDEWALK.

that is all

A Trip To Target Misfires

Yeah so I braved the after Christmas bargain shoppers at Target, just scoping out my wishes for when the wrapping papers go 75% or 90% off. I don't buy it at 50% and never EVER pay full price for something that gets torn off and thrown away within mins.

What I did see at Target that I could use was a paintball gun on sale. I want pink paintballs. It's not an AK47 or Assualt rifle but I think I could customize it pretty well into a Hello Kitty paintball gun. My inspiration?

Ga Ga Ga!

Keepon dancing to "I Turn My Camera On" by Spoon

Shhhhhhh!

I should be fine in a week or so..until then no loud noises please.

WTF?

A poodle? A freakin poodle? It's not so much the description of the dog , it's more that I wanted to be a big mean scary dog. Like my Doberman. But I'm a poodle and a pink one at that. Nothing against poodles I had one in my care for awhile, she was great. Except she didn't look so great when I decided to trim her hair myself. Even the neighbors had to comment on that. Because everyone in my building was gay. Seriously.

Woof! Who Knew?

What Breed of Dog Are You?

My Result: Poodle

No bones about it, you're a go-ahead-and-spoil-me Poodle. Intelligent and discerning, why should you settle for anything but the best? No good reason comes to mind. You appreciate the finer things in life, from the trendiest clothes to the best restaurants. Maintaining your health and appearance is a must — you owe it to yourself to look and feel tip-top. The result? An impeccable fashion sense, perfect grooming, and the latest must-have "toys" and accessories. Unfortunately, that can be a little intimidating to people who don't know you. They might think you're a bit cold or distant. But your close friends know better. Your nearest and dearest can see beyond the glitz and glamour to the smart, considerate person within. Woof!

Take this test >

Looks Like I Need To Get Busy!

Is There Time To Change My Mind?

Honey: I'm not getting any e-mails (read jokes)

Me: It's three days before Christmas, people are busy.

Honey: We are just sitting here.

Me: I know that, but that's because most of our shopping was done and the rest was done when you were at work. And we don't have kids.

Honey: Shouldn't we more busy?

Me: I dunno what do you have in mind?

Honey: Maybe my computer is messed up.

Me: Maybe, but I doubt it, I'm not getting as many e-mails either. They both couldn't be broken for e-mail only.

Honey: I was just saying...

Here's the part I wish to change: It was a stupid rule not to get each other anything. There is no sneaking around, no guessing what something is and really it took the joy out of shopping since I had made the rule. I made the rule. There I said it.

World's Largest Bloom Has Acne

I've never seen this woman in my life. Actually, I've never seen a plant like this in my life. If I were her I wouldn't get so close..it could suck her head right into its center. She should run..agggghh! Too late it has her foot! OMG! she's going going gone..It's mighty death grip took advantage of her smiling and posing with the pretty flower and got her. Bad plant!Bad!

BTW it's a Rafflesia arnoldii: this parasitic plant develops the world's largest bloom that can grow over three feet across. The flower is a fleshy color, with spots that make it look like a teenager's acne-ridden skin. It smells bad and has a hole in the center that holds six or seven quarts of water. The plant has no leaves, stems, or roots.

For the rest of the list I found go here. especially if phallic symbols make you giggle.

Still Need Presents?

Let's see what I found today online:

Pursuader by James Piatt $275.00 Jamespiatt.com (comes in pink AND silver too!)

Machine Gun Handbag, move over Lara Croft. Here comes TTQ!

Gold Cuckoo Watch Necklace $22 at FredFlare.com

If you carry a machine gun purse you gotta be a little cuckoo.

Just chillin with my gnomies. Silver Chrome Gnomes, I need a matched set for the fireplace hearth.

Silver Chrome Gnomes $55 at BASE

Just like duct tape! Only fancy! Do-Frame $12.50 at Chocosho

Designer: Droog Design This roll of adhesive tape is printed with the design of an ornate picture frame. Marti Guixe designed this simple but brilliant product for Droog the dutch design group.

A Post For Cyd

I shouldn't write this, buuuuuuuuuuutttttt. You know I can't help myself sometimes. Mom slipped and actually said she needed something! I was at her house and was helping her do _______. And she kind of was thinking out loud and said I need new _________. BINGO! My dilemma for Christmas was over. I will point out when you called me I had no more of a clue than you did. I don't know if my gift will be a hit or not but she did utter the words I need _____, though that is much different than I want ______. I am off to go find stocking stuffers for her.

Update for all the people who left ideas about the 13 year old on my list, I finished shopping! In no paticular order: a hair braider twister thingy, a big pack of lip gloss, a multi-pack of bath gels, and for her and her sister the Barbie Collector Board game.

Christmas Wii-eason's To Be Merry

I don't own a Wii, I don't plan on owning a Wii. I have not one clue about it. So wiitarded I shall stay.

Now this is a game I can handle, good old-fashioned thumb wrestling. Hell I could even play against myself since the boxing ring will cover up my hands.

A Little Help Here People

Christmas shopping woes. Again. This time trying to figure out what a 13 year old girl might want. I know she loves the toys that are given to her little sister and being the older sister she can play with anything she wants when she wants too. But I know she is getting older and would appreciate age appropriate gifts. I'm not very good at the dealing with tweens, a perfect present for me when I was that age would have involved some illegal substances and a bottle of peach schnapps. At least that's what I wanted along with some concert tickets and hair products. So I'm going to say it's pretty safe for me to assume I know nothing about a well-behaved 13 year old. I don't know her size, and actually I don't really know what she has and doesn't have.. I suck huh? I'm thinking at this point a gift card for itunes or Claire's might be the answer unless one of you readers have a better idea.

Happy Happy Joy Joy!

It's a mad house out in shopper land. It's a time that amateurs hit the stores. Courtesy and kindness have been replaced with cars whipping into spots that you sat and waited on for 5 mins. People are getting frustrated, myself included because by this time of the year I'm usually done shopping and gifts are already wrapped neatly under the tree. This year not so much. It's a time of year that feels like you are on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" and you get to make a phone call to a lifeline. I used mine on Friday. My sister used hers today when she called. She was the last person I expected to be calling my house on a random Saturday. We usually keep in touch through our magic computer boxes. She informed me that she had 3 hours to get her shopping done on line. Now that's ambition. If she succeds, I will bow down in an "I'm not Worthy, I'm Not Worthy" fashion. In case you weren't aware, we have 10 day still Christmas. Not that I'm counting or anything.....

tick tock tick tock

Santa, Skip Our House Please.

Honey and I decided this year we weren't going to exchange gifts with each other on Christmas Eve or Christmas Morning. Last year we did a zillon presents, and it didn't bring us the joy we thought it would. What mattered was that we were together on the holiday and we would spend time with both my family and his family and then retire to our home alone. At home we watch a movie, play scrabble and eat plates of leftovers that his family insist that everyone takes home. We are giving gifts to family members because we enjoy doing it. Sometimes we are disappointed when the presents that were so thoughtfully picked out and wrapped get ripped open and tossed aside. We then get a hug and a thank you, if we are lucky. And then bang it's over.

Underground Paris

Hands Around My Throat

Death in Vegas

***************

The air is cold

I'm still on hold

I still can't tell

What's been said

Paris Underground

Art Deco lamps flanking an entrance to the metro in Paris

Paris 2007

A taste of Paris. If you want to go to Paris this video is worth watching. I'm glad I found it on youtube since my camera broke at the beginning of my trip and I wasn't able to do any video. The traveljunkies saved me a lot of time by making this video.

Can You Keep A Secret?

Secret by the Pierces

Got a secret
Can you keep it?
Swear this one you'll save
Better lock it, in your pocket
Taking this one to the grave
If I show you then I know you
Won't tell what I said
Cause two can keep a secret
If one of them is dead…

Warm and Fuzzy

Hello Kitty is alive and kicking on the Champs de Elysee in Paris. I've been a Hello Kitty fan for years. My addiction has waned, and it seems like my fetish is petering out. So now I more or else admire all the Hello Kitty crap they sell, but I don't buy it anymore.Maybe it's because HK is showing up on EVERYTHING and more adults have the Hello Kitty fever too.

Back to the sweater in the picture, I didn't even go in to find out the price. I did admire the subtle pattern and the fact that they made use of two very unpink colors, and choosing to use greys and blacks. Nice, because I wear black more often than not. As a teenager I wore all black too, when I phased out of being a tortured teenager I began to wear pink. Now that I am out of my 20's, I've gone back to wearing black. Timeless and classy.

Bunking Banality

"Has your husband ever told you you snore?"

"All the time"

"Because you really do snore"

"It's on my list of things to do before I hit 40."

"A nose job?"

"It's a deviated septum, it's for medical reasons"

"What else is on your list?"

"A boob job"

"A reduction?"

"No a hike up on the muscles to make them stay perky through my 40's"

"Anything else?'

" Botox."

"But you don't have wrinkles"

" And I plan to stay that way"

What reason do you need?

Paris is inspiring. Each building, each painting, every lamppost, the metro signs. It really is like a movie set. I was amazed to see people being allowed to paint in the Louvre. Mom didn't really see the point in recreating the masters, her point was what will this skill allow them to do? Portrait painting? I argued that it didn't matter if they never made a cent, they were following their dreams, they just DO.

Going to Paris has been a lifelong dream of mine. It was further fueled when I was told by a distinguished looking lady at a bar that I looked like Anais Nin when I was 21. I asked her who she was and she said you have to find that out for yourself. Go to a bookstore. And I did. And I bought one of her books and then discovered Henry Miller. Now not only did I want to go to Paris, I wanted to move to Paris. I wanted to drink absinthe, smoke opium and write. Or paint. Maybe be a muse to some disheveled but handsome fallen aristocrat artist. I wanted to to live a purely sensuous decadent life with no real purpose.

I did none of those things while I was there. But if I had I wouldn't tell you about it.

Voila? Oui! Voila!

Ta-da! I'm back! In Paris, our was meal was almost always served with a hearty Volia! And we all know how much I love to say Ta-Da! As in Ta-Da, here I am! So now I can say Volia! Here I am!

I broke my camera's LCD screen on the first leg of flights, there is no view finder. So I took pictures anyway, we were almost giddy to see if anything turned out, and it turns out that I am a great blind photographer!

We learned how to use public transportation in London and then France. We were very proud of ourselves, especially since Paris did not have airport shuttles so we had to figure out how to get to our hotel with all our luggage. Not so fun, we weren't packed for that kind of journey... But we made it.

More highlights and pictures to come later.

P.S. After doing so much damage to my camera and hauling luggage, I'm glad I left the laptop at home even though there were wi-fi spots everywhere.