Confession Time

I'm not really a Temper Tantrum Queen, I'm mearly a Princess. The real Queen, Queen E is my mom. Today she went into the hospital, and I'm sad. She is a proud and private person, so this was very hard on her. Her independence and health are very important to her. When I arrived at the ER she was trying to put her shoes on and go home. She was in the ER from 5:30am till 2:30 pm. And she hadn't slept all night. They finally got her into a room before she escaped.

I'm sure she is going to be fine. She has to be. I still need her.

Starting Over

My world just got rocked. My general practitioner's office lost their best Nurse Practitioner (i.e. mine). I didn't see her alot because I mostly see specialists. But the transplant center ordered some vaccinations (I wonder if I get tags with that) and said just go to your GP's office, so I kept putting it off for the last month. Today I call for an appt. and they tell me she left in June. She is going to be a SAHM, which I knew but didn't think it would be this soon. Everybody else I know goes to the same one here in town and not in Orlando, so I figured I could switch to one here, but they all see the same one and he isn't taking new patients. So I'm gonna go meet this other N.P. at the same office I was going too, and I'm going to have to start all over again....sigh, I can barely keep all my tests and appts straight as it is, now I have to explain it all again? Even Honey gets confused. God, she was great. Also she was a Ex-pro ball player's wife too, so we always had a great time when I went to see her. Did I mention she was efficent, caring, and smart? I'm sad.

Looking for My Mojo

I've become obsessed with wanting to travel, it's two months away from our vacation (a 8 day 7 night cruise through the Western Carribean) , and I'm already planning the next few trips..

In "Spider's Nest Blues" by Hattie Hart and the Memphis Jug Band, Hart wants to go to New Orleans to get her toby (mojo) "fixed" because she is "having so much trouble" -- the mojo is protective and its power is wearing off, as witnessed by the "bad luck" she is having.

So here is my list of places to look:

1) New York City (preferrably around Christmas time, but that's not going to happen, honey will be out of vacay days)

2) A Meditterean Cruise in June 2008 for Mom's 70th Birthday.

3) Paris any time as soon as possible (i.e. the next couple of years)

3) Anywhere but here.. preferrably today. Unfortunately, I have too many Doctor's appointments and tests scheduled.

top100

The Grand Funk of Railroads

I'm sad. It just happens sometimes. The brain slips slowly into a deep funk, so quickly and stealthy after that, it dawns on me that I am very sad. Depressed, lethargic, irritable... the smallest thing feels like a mountain. I can't move mountains. It's as rainy as a monsoon passing through, it fits my mood. I'm wet, I'm cold, I want to curl up with my blankie and watch mindless TV, not any shows that I follow, because really I can't pay attention right now. I need something just to stare at. I'm bored, I'm restless, I don't have the motivation to do anything about it though. Conundrum. What do you do when you are sad??

Conundrum, a puzzle or a riddle designed to test for lateral thinking

Lateral thinking is a term coined by Edward de Bono, a Maltese psychologist, physician and writer. It first appeared in the title of his book The Use of Lateral Thinking, published in 1967. De Bono defines lateral thinking as methods of thinking concerned with changing concepts and perception. Lateral thinking is about reasoning that is not immediately obvious and about ideas that may not be obtainable by using only traditional step-by-step logic.

Clinical depression, or major depressive disorder, a state of intense sadness, melancholia or despair that has advanced to the point of being disruptive to an individual's social functioning and/or activities of daily living

funk (countable and uncountable; plural funks) (countable) mental depression (uncountable) A state of fear or panic, especially cowardly

lethargic 1) sluggish, slow 2) indifferent, apathetic

Throwing Myself To the Sharks

I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say that most of you could care less what's in a Whopper, you know it's bad for you but you love it anyways. And always will. I'm neurotic sometimes (ok most of the time) about food. Maybe because after a accident involving a bike and a car (I was on the bike) I hit #'s on the scale I didn't know even existed. So after the non-walking cast was removed and the staples plucked out of it, I had one ankle consisting of titanium. I had to learn to walk all over again. That sucked, and when I did I favored one side so much I squished a vertebrae so bad that I had to have a double laminectomy and microdiscectomy. So bed rest again..then well then I fat. And it sucked. I was miserable. And so on..then I got sick and lost a large portion of the weight while in the hospital and probably before, I dunno it's all pretty hazy..
And now I have 15 (maybe 20) to get off me, the Doc says 10, but I know my body and I know when I look good versus great and 20lbs is a happy smaller me. A Mini-Me. So when you have a mother who can be pretty vain about her daughter, maybe because I'm the only one in town, well that sucks too. I'm willing to bet she doesn't ask my sisters how much they weigh or what size they are or if they went to the gym TODAY, and what did the Dr say today... AND I'm really throwing myself out to the sharks here, she most certainly does not tell them they have a F!@#$% Muffin Top! I'm not ragging out on my mom here, I'm just saying that what she says ..well it hits me a bit lower than if a stranger said that stuff.

**comment now or forever hold your peace..this post will self-destruct within the next 24 hours, hell maybe even an hour..

** In the meantime, I'm enjoying Tori Amos's new album..American Doll Possee

You Broke Her

Upside-Down Wishes
by
athenaworkman

Get this custom poster at Zazzle

I usually don't do Grey's Anatomy commentaries, but this really got to me. I should have blogged it last night when it was fresh in my head. But then I decided not to share, then I decided to share.

I usually don't share this. But sometimes you boil over, from guilt, from shame.

You told her she was absolutely ordinary that she was suppose to be extraordinary, You broke her.

I totally get Meredith and why she didn't want to come back. Pretending it's okay when it's not. Being tired of trudging, fighting, ready to give up and being okay with that. It was an accident, but really it wasn't. She was fighting and then she stopped. That's when you think what's the point, and you give up. It seems so much easier to give up and just let go. She was happy on that bed with her dog Doc and no more live people to hurt her, but she didn't get the part about repeating how you died over and over at the most inconvenient times, at first. That maybe, just maybe that is all you get. You don't get peace from giving up. It took me three weeks when I was in a coma to come back, I didn't want to come back, but I did. There was a great possibility of brain damage, I was told that I tried to rip my tubes out and had to be restrained and sedated. And then somehow, somewhere I woke up, three weeks later. And while I was in a coma, the person who broke me died in my head , when he walked through my hospital room door after I was awake, I screamed , rather made as much noise as I could after being on a breathing tube and ventilator. But he was dead to me from that moment on. The devil incarnate. I guess all that matters is that I came back to those who truly love me. The most selfish act I could have done would have been to die. All the people who were so very unselfish to fight for me to come back, to will me to come back To never lose hope. All the while I was stuck in my own head, not responding to real people...like when you are asleep and you ignore your alarm clock and learn to sleep through it. Don't ignore it, do not give up.