The World Outside My Home Is A Shitty Place

The world outside our home is one big bathroom according To Zeus and Fletch. They are the epitome of house pets. They will lay in bed all day long and actually get quite snippy when it's time for us to leave the house and shut them out of the bedroom. Getting them to go outside often requires two of us to cajole, beg, and trick them out to the yard. Their poop is scooped and disposed of like automated machine. They will scratch and knock on the door immediately after doing their business. If I sit with them on the patio, they would rather come sit with me than romp around the yard. Often they just stand on the patio and look around as if they are being forced to stand in a grocery store line. Yeah, that excited. Lazy, lazy, lazy bums. It's a good thing they love to cuddle and give love, cause that's what they are good for. Unconditional love for us, even when being scolded for stealing food from the table. I do have to admit they are becoming more well-behaved since I entered the picture. Fletch no longer stands on tables. Zeus no longer chews on the sofa. Oh and we really don't need an alarm with a Doberman named Zeus.

The Purpose Of Dogs Is What??

My dogs have been a handlful today. They locked me out of the door we use as a front door, the real front door is bolted and keyed lock, but we don't have a key and the bar was across the door. The back door may or may not have been locked, that is the door they use to go outside to the fenced in yard and I open and shut it many times a day and night. So the door we use is a sliding glass door, they managed to roll the steel pipe into the track which is what we use at night to keep unwanted people out. During the day, the rod is left out. With the rod in place the door will open maybe 22 inches, so I turned to one side and decided to try to slip and shimmy in after dropping my grocery bags. The dogs are watching me...I get my right hip and right shoulder in and start to twist, my boob does not want to fit ..okay..am I gonna get stuck midway through? That would be embarrasing..so I manage to flatten my boob (painfully) enough to get one through, then my shirt gets hung up on something..great one boob, one hip and one shoulder in and I'm hung up by my shirt. I still have to get my left boob in and I'm home free. One...Two....Three...

suck, squeeze, and shimmy! I'm in!

I'm starving and I fed the dogs before I went shopping so I decided to make a salad then go empty the dishwasher. I finish with my salad , and somehow manage to step on the small food bowl..and get this! It slids under my foot like a skateboard and I'm riding it..with one leg firmly stuck on the kitchen floor. Great, I'm gonna break a friggin leg, dammit. I managed to grab onto the counter before going down and avert any unneccessary trips to the ER. Okay that's it the dogs are going out before I empty the dishwasher, I just can't handle them being under my feet anymore...out they go..wait..only one will go...Doberman out, Beagle in. Screw it, the Beagle is just going to curl up in his bed and be good. I finish with the dishes and sit down to check e-mails and blogs..doberman is fine, I can hear his collar and tags jingling as he plays outside. Until..he starts barking, apparently nobody is allowed to walk in front of our house even if it's across the street, the barking isn't too bad yet..ok now it's a bit much..and the Beagle decides he should bark..he hardly ever barks, thank god. Have you ever heard a Beagle bay? He stands in front of his bed and starts baying, that is loud , my chair is two feet away from him. The only way to get him to stop is to make the other one stop, so the Dobie's outside time is cut short since he is making a racket and as long as he keeps barking the Beagle will too, and I really do like my neighbors.... Honey isn't coming home from work till 6, Honey usually gets home at 3:30. Great these guys are all mine for another hour. Luckily the Beagle has gone back to bed and the Doberman is somewhere being quiet, which could be a good thing or a bad thing. I'm gonna let it ride and see what happens.

***THIS IS NOT MY BEAGLE IN THE CLIP****
Every Beagle has a distincive bay, and they love to SING. My beagle sings in bed when getting his ears scratched or his belly scratched.

My Big Boy

This is Zeus. He's big and strong. He acts scary toward strangers but has nothin' but love for us. He loves to cuddle, he loves to lick us for as long as we let him. He's not the brightest crayon in the box, but I guess you can't always have brains and beauty. He knows enough to keep us happy and for some odd reason he knows the names of his toys and will bring you the one you ask for. Most of the time he spend just looking goofy at us like in the picture above. Loving him is uncomplicated and we take comfort in his being part of our family and our home. I wish that everything could be just that easy.

Wearing a clothespin on my nose

Dear Abby,

I hate to bring to bring up such a delecate matter, but maybe you could give us some advice to get through this. My husband and I have 90lb Doberman and he has horrible gas today. The problem is I think my husband has been giving him table scraps OR the dog is eating his own poo. The cat and the beagle have already cleared the office, and usually all three of them lay here with me while I play on my computer. Also, my husband has taken to bellowing WHO FARTED?. The rest of us are getting tired of yelling NOT ME!. I know it's not my husband trying to blame HIS farts on the dog because he isn't even home. I made sure our doberman pooped when I took him out, yet this awful stench still lingers in varying waves of potency. These farts are going to be hell tonight when we all pile in the bed, I'm not sure if we will all make it through the night. Plaese help us. Maybe some miltary unit can donate older model gas masks to us if there is a program like that?

Tired of stinky dog farts,

TTQ